Admitting

To being afraid.
Yes I'm afraid.
Frightened beyond belief.

And I'm okay with that well not entirely, its disturbing but comforting to know I can feel like this. It wasn't until yesterday that I embraced this feeling rather than repulse it. I felt happiness that was simply unexplainable. I just woke up with a smile, as if the weight on my chest wasn't there. I could breathe, and think with ease. Still afraid but happy. Afraid but smiling. Happy for just being happy. I haven't felt this warmth radiating from my face or chest in such a long time. Sure I smile and laugh all in good humor but not to the fullest extent. And yesterday was the first time in a long time that I felt it was okay to be happy for no reason.

No guilt or remorse of this. I'm finally letting myself be happy regardless of the chaos surrounding me. I usually place other's happiness before my own because I know I will have my turn my time and I feel everyone is to selfish to give up seconds of their happiness to help someone find their own. I have no problem putting aside my obligations for the wellfare of a beloved individual. I love purely and truely. Friends and certain family know this for a fact. My kindness is spread among all of you. I'm kind of known for that among loved one's. Some classify that trait as being weak and others say that makes me strong. I think it's a bit of both. That's why I call it my tragic flaw, that has been abused to often. But I learn with every obstacle that flaw has put my way.

I just can't or rather won't let myself love or maybe it's because I don't know how to love someone at that level that a relationship requires.

I've never seen a healthy relationship so how can you blame me for doubting the foundations or idea of one.

You see I've never stayed in love long enough to get shattered. I used to think I've never been in love but I realized I have but it didn't last long enough to grow. It just started spouting when me and him decided to pluck it. I've always been a hopeless romantic, but I'm cynical at the same time. Everyone that knows me can't quite put those things together, because out of all my friends I'm the one that should be the sucess of love. In their eyes I'm a descent of Aphrodite. I should be the one in the year(s) relationships. I'm the consulant that they turn to when they need help. But I'm a complete rookie. I don't know how to be in a relationship, but I offer apparently good perspective.


I think back to it and I see that I've been running from this well you for quite some time. Running from what can be real because I'm not sure I'm ready for it. I'm honest enough to admit I don't think I'm ready for love or the heartbreak. I've dealt with heartache. But love has never been my forte at least when it comes down to the "real thing". Catching my breathe, this running has done me no good except waste time.


But now I'm like FUCK IT! Life is way to short for this cynical state of mind. I'm going to miss out on love, and I refuse to. So I'm giving into my feelings more than usual. Still on guard or maybe it's my pride. I don't want to go into that yet. But I do know I just want to say I miss you, even though we just texted or talked on the phone. I just want to see you even if it's just for five minutes. I just want to be able to be in your arms at anytime knowing you won't let me go even if I ask you to. I don't care if I lose hours of sleep just talking to you. I wouldn't mind all of this because it would be with you.

This is all your doing,

provoking me

with each

and every

syallable

your lips

sound out.

Being afraid of being with you, but thrilled at the same time is what you have done. I want to strangle you sometimes with the things you say. But that's what I adore. Time seems so fleeting with us and hardly there at the same time. Never getting enough of you to really say your mine but I know you are. Because I feel myself slipping into your arms regardless of my equilibrium. And I can feel the sincerity of your words.

This fluttering behind my chest, this pull of heartstrings. You arouse this in me every single time we talk it grows. I gotta admit your growing on me despite my better judgment. And I know that your fond me, but I'm so confused on where we stand. And I guess this is where the fear stepped in, intermixed with confusion those two never split.

I got myself...

a JOURNAL!!

I've always wanted to keep one but I get lazy and forgetfull... not the best combination to keep something going. However I'm getting better at keeping journal like stuff. This website is a prime example of my capablity or maybe its addiction to it.

Blogspot has been an internet journal but I like to keep secrets for myself. What can I say a lady needs her secrets. Especially from the public eye.

Don't worry I'll still write on this, I just needed a more private place for feelings, emotions all that other crap (using crap loosely).

Thinking.

Wasting away like a Renaissance painting. My paint chips are falling; you can see my cards now. Not hurt but I feel this void, a hole. An unsatisfied hunger for something I’m not sure yet. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is. Friends claim it’s my consciousness urging for love.

HA! Love, isn’t that a wonderful feeling so I’ve HEARD.

Love never meets me half way. Not everyone can be like Elizabeth Bennet, the reality of love is that of Miss Havisham and Charollete Lucas. I blame all these talks about love because I’m vanishing into thinking of it. That disturbs me because I never really did, well I’m lying a tad. I have undergone those questions but not deeply or clearly. Now when I actually look back into it I’m saddened and disturbed. I can’t understand how I let myself feel this way.

The feeling of fatigue and confusion dominate and make me tired not only physically but mentally. As if this urge for something real to feel is demanding too much of my sanity. Sleep doesn’t provide any comfort or escape it rather drains me. It's exhausting to just think especially when there are so many questions and very few answers. Answers that raise more questions in the long run so you’re not moving forward but backwards. I want my mind to stop being a circus, juggling acts and putting shows for all, the training of animal instincts is too much,
I just want clarity.

Since my mind is too clouded to think. Blurred memories of yesterday I don’t know how to relieve this overheated mind! So what do I do? Neglect obligations of my mind in order to fit in this world or pay attention to everyone else’s while juggling my own because no one allows themselves to burden with these questions. Instead of confronting them, you pass them on like a torch, bring the light into parts of myself I just don’t want to go.

My Heart.

Do you know what it is to trust an individual without asking anything in return? Probably not, however I've been lucky to encounter such a feeling. To trust unconditionally is a feeling to unexplainable that sometimes I don't even understand the why? Strange enough it's from an unlikely former acquaintance. His name is censored for reasons that are irrelevant to this. He likes to be called Dizzy, so that shall be his alias.

Younger than me, I have found a person who's words I trust with no vindication. Too many times have words fallen short for me. However his words remain true and he does not truly know the extent of my appreciation of this. The first time my heart and brain agree that his not lying and that it’s okay to let him in. Since I do not believe words that escape voice boxes. Because people aren't reliable enough to tell the truth. Confusion arises from words spoken in falsehood or deceitful intentions. I don't have to worry about this from him. Maybe that's why our relationship is so easy going.

A former ex wanna be boyfriend. Yes we've exchanged salvia (meaning we've kissed). However things did not work out in that department because of me. But I found a better place for him in my life than that of another boyfriend who would leave. I named him my best friend November 2, 2008. I share with him everything I can think of in the moment. I'm not afraid to be with him, or let him in. The first I've said I love you to. I have given him my heart, because his worthy of it. Unknowingly he takes care of my heart, the guardian of my most prized possession. I trust him so much in giving him what other guys wished could know or feel. I love him dearly and only wish him the best. We've been through alot together that the bonds we created before are covered by these of true friendship. Although I may not see him as often as I'd like, I don't mind the distance because his with me always in heart and mind.

I will always remember you and love you fondly<3

My Theme Song

It's About Time by: Barcelona

Cat: Yeah this one is definitely your theme song.
XYZ: My theme song?
Cat : Lyrics ?
XYZ: Explain why you think it's my theme song?
XYZ: The lyrics are amazing :]
XYZ: The beat is what caught my attention the first time I
listened to it.
Cat :"They don't know me, they don't know more than I show"
XYZ: I knew you were going to say that part.
Cat : I like the vocals, &lyric delivery.
Cat : "Its about time, its about time to fly away, but wait. This one is different cause she's lonely, fold your wings you'll need them more one day."
Cat : That's kinda your theory on love.
Cat : &Thank you, I'm going to download that album.
Cat : =]
XYZ: And also the part "I'm not sure I can resurrect you."
Cat : True.

I always enjoy Cat's conversations and yes his the same Cat from the previous blogs :]
Lyrics below.

One more day down these stairs
His room is cold now and it hurts like hell
He holds tight, he stares
It’s almost over and it’s running through his head
They don’t know me, they don’t know more than I show

She’s walking up to him so slowly
It’s about time, it’s about time to fly away, but wait
This one is different cause she’s lonely
Fold your wings, you’ll need them more one day

One more smile, one more bed
Her eyes are dark now and they hurt like hell
She’s so still, she’s dead
She knows it’s over, she holds her head and says,
They can’t love me, they can’t love what I don’t show

He’s walking up to her so slowly
It’s about time, it’s about time to fly away, but wait
This one is different cause he’s lonely
Fold your wings, you’ll need them more

There’ve been to many times when I’ve drowned you with these perfect
lines
And you’ve heard me say that I can cure you
This morning I woke up with this overwhelming fear of love
And I’m not sure if I can resurrect you

I’m walking up to you so slowly
It’s about time, it’s about time to fly away, but wait
I swear it’s different cause I’m lonely
Fold your wings, you’ll need them more one day

Moment

When you turned to me--you in bed, still sleepwarm,
against

the pillows,
I across the room, skirt zipped, stockings on--
and you
asked, so quietly.




"Was that a
truthful answer?"




and outside our
narrow third-storey window
the Norway maple was poking odd thumbs into the
sky
and a skim milk early morning light leaked down the street,
down front
porch steps, around grimed collars of snowbanks.
and the oval Victorian
mirror of my dresser
reflected all that, with odd angles of rooflines,
gutters,
chimneys

jutting into its peripheral vision,


your question
cut
like a knife so sharpened it
slices clean and the surprised flesh
doesn't know for a moment
how to bleed,


and I
answered, after pause
in which the strangeness felt like a form of
love,


"No."

By: Rosanna Warren

I actually met the poet Warren. She was amiable however eccentric with her gestures and expressions. This poem intrigued me because of the awkard breaks and the setting she provided.

The opening lines set a scene that reminds me of lovers. "Was that a truthful answer?" When I read that line, my mind raced with how did the her other know she was lying. It made me judge her character and that of her other. Her character is willing to lie and her other is bold enough to confront her.

Which makes you then question what did her other ask her that made her lie. As well as what was her lie. To deflects to the scenery which in my opinion symbolizes the exposure that they will have of each other. To then explaining the feeling of the question. The numbness of the question that marked her mentally. To describing the awkardness to a feeling of love impling that they share an inmitation of love. To the finale of her response No. Surprising how a one word syllable can be so direct and cutting.

I would go more in depth however I like discussion better. Just thought I should share.

Mouth-watering.

I had a Godiva white chocolate covered strawberry yesterday. It was as if my mouth died and ran off to heaven. My taste buds were tingling beyond belief. I took a bite and I had to stop moving, I needed to hold myself up. It was that amazing. I can't stress it enough that it was just that good. I fell in love once my lips touched the soft white chocolate and I bite into the ripe sweet fruit. Better than sex! It was an orgasm.

Black Friday

Woke up around 5:45 and I went to sleep around 1 because I was on the phone with Jonathan not that I mind but that boy has impecable timing I swear.

Anywho struggling to move around my room that's a mess -__- I made my way to find clothes and got ready. My sister and I made so much racket that my mother woke up and just looked at us and said WHY? I felt like laughing and I think I did, my sister is the shopaholic and a cheapass. Black Friday is like Jesus comming to visit for Christians. She was estactic about it and I don't blame her. I had a wishlist I wanted to come true today. This wishlist is the materialistic stuff I want.

1. Headphones.

I've been without earphones for maybe about 2 months because I go through them like water so I've decided to put an investment in headphones. I've been awfully sad without them as well, but I'm estatic that I have them now :]

2. Jacket.
I just want one.
3. Bookbag
I have this Northface strap bookbag and it's great but it's way to small to hold all the things my teachers give me.
4. Traditional and Digital Camera
I love photography and I'm tired of my sister's camera that sucks ass -___-
5. Mixtape or CD
This I just want from someone, shit even a stranger. I don't know but I think if you do anything for anyone there is a romantic connotation on it.



I don't really ask for much.




I got 2 out of these five things. The most important one Headphones! I bought them at BestBuy and I saw my ex lover Harold. I was not expecting that what so ever. Kinda of shy and awkard we said hi and my mother loved him and hoped we would work out so she left us alone to talk. He was covering his face half of the time, but he was still handsome as always despite what he was wearing. I was like GR! I had this mark on my face and I was way to sleepy to really function. The whole time I'm like great he gets to see me like this -___-



So much was going through my mind, I wanted to ask why did we stop being together? I needed to know but BestBuy didn't seem like the place to ask. I was full of this weird feeling, like I just wanted to touch him and see if my hand would go through. It seems so unreal, I haven't seen him since the end of September or was it the beginning of October. I don't remember, but it's been a while. We've had a few conversations that felt me confused on where we stand but the distance between us was still growing till we just didn't talk to each other anymore. I was sad for a while, resorted to another to get over you and it did help. I will admit to missing the little things you did. The affection in your words were the first of its kind to my ears. I remember you fondly and despite how we ended things so abruptly with no real explanation that I believe.



After this BestBuy incident my mother keep nagging me about him. Saying I should call him, that I should invite him over like I used to... That I should do this and that to get him back. Skeptical while she was saying all this nonsense. I don't do that, if you want to leave by all means I won't stand in your way. There are reasons why people feel like they should leave, and I'm in no right to make anyone stay if they don't want to. I can ask you to stay but if you don't, I'll wish you the best and move on and let you live. I have never been a clinger. I laughed in my mothers remark about how to keep a man and how they want you to chase them. I don't disagree completely about the chase, who doesn't like the chase? That is what I live for and maybe that explains why I get distant.

We later went to QCM and shopped around saw my Edward Cullen look alike. So after seeing Twilight there is a scene in the movie when Edward takes Bella to prom. Given that I'm a senior now, I'll be going to prom and I joked about taking an Edward look alike to prom. My 2nd wife Dominique agreed completely with me and told her boyfriend John. John apparently knows an Edward look alike that goes to his school. I was joking and said you should introduce wink wink ;] He took it seriously and then I was actually taking it into consideration and I was like why not? I'll probably play nice with the fellow, and so John has been talking to the Edward look alike about me and vice versa about him. So I saw him in Pac Sun, I wanted to walk out of the store immediately after I realized that he was there, but my sister had other plans. She wanted to see who was this guy, I wanting to hide in a corner. I looked so tired, my eyes were puffy I was in no conditions to meet someone. Not that I need to impress the fellow, but I was not going to meet someone in the mood I was. But dragged by my younger sister, we walked past him and she's like OMG his cute. I'm like no need for that I have eyes you know. I realize that, sheesh. I told John that I saw him, and John told him I saw him. I was like GR John! But it's whatever, John is planning to introduce me when I go to their winter concert. So we'll see how that goes.



I spent all morning shopping till night time when I went to Dominique's house to go help her get ready to go to the underground band gig Brandon (her friend) is performing in. I was ready by the time she told me to be, we were suppose to be there at 9:30 we left at that time. It was around Grand Central, Brandon words "it's a hole in the wall". We had to pay 10 bucks and I got an X marked on my hand. We go there late but we only missed two songs, it was around 10 something when we got there. Brandon's band wasn't bad at all, his facial expressions were hilarious. He was so into the music, I couldn't help but be idk but it was a vibe. The place where it was held wasn't my scene not that I have one, but if I did I know it wouldn't be that one. We were the only minorities there, and we didn't dress like they did. You could tell we didn't belong here, but I didn't care I loved the throbbing speakers, the noise was so hyptonizing. I honestly felt like the music flowed in and out of me. It attached itself to my skin. The scretching voices of the singers and the slamming of drum sticks were all around me. Never had I felt so intune with the music. Maybe it was because I by myself for a while, I was really absorbing the music, and the fact it wasn't my scene. The disturbing background maybe made things seem so surreal. Maybe the glances made me much aware. There was so much passion radiating from the stage and I couldn't help but be transfixed. I imagined myself being there, how would it be. I don't really sing, but when I want to I can actually pull off a good note or two. I just wanted to feel what was so present in the eyes of those on stage. I miss the stage. It was nice to be in a surrounding that was so different from my own, that it was uncomfortable it was just so new for me. I thought it was a perfect way to spend the night before my birthday. To spend it in a place that was completely different from my comfort zone, that the age of seventeen would bring a transistion to who knows but somewhere I don't know.

I had a great time, spent the first hour of my birthday around Grand Centeral. Took pictures, jumped on people, it was priceless.

Happy Thanksgiving.

This year was better than any, mostly because I didn't have many people over my house. Over the pass years my mother and my aunts are chained to the kitchen. They work overtime to provide food on the table of 20 at the most. It's usually the case that my house is the place to go to eat for the holidays. But this time it was a quiet, limited only to my sister, mother, father, aunt, cousin, and second cousin.

I woke up around 11. Barely peeling myself off my bed there was so much chaos in my house. The women were running around trying to finish cooking. I stay out of their way, I stay on the opposite side of the kitchen. I finally look presentable around 1 and I'm ready to eat something.

My family doesn't wait to eat around 6 or 7 we eat early around 1-3 pm and keep eating throughout the day. We have one meal that we share together at the table and then we're our seperate ways after that. We're not glued to the chair like others. My family also doesn't say grace. The sitting of the table means. This tradition is a way my parents and other family members simulate with American culture. In Ecuador there is no such holiday, my family just uses this as an excuse to eat and gossip at the table. I probably gained 10 pounds that day. My momma's cooking is the BOMB! I doubt anyone says that anymore but I do ha!

But today really raised questions in me. The whole point of this holiday is to acknowledge what one should be thankful for and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH! I get it sheesh, I just don't understand why you need a holiday to remind yourself to do this.

It should be every single morning and night, that you should be thankful for being here. That you can breathe with ease... I personally think to much but I think about how I don't have it bad what so ever. I'm very priviledged compared to others, perhaps to rich celebrities I'm not but to someone who lives in a third world country I'm probably the rich one for them. It is all interpetation that's what I say.

I just want to say I'm thankful for everything that has happened, will happen, hasn't happened, should've, could've... for the people in and out of my life and all that good stuff because it eventually develops me.

Miss Palaguachi

My alarm pierced my ears at 6 AM but I hit the snooze and woke up around 6:45 so I was running late already. I felt so tired for some reason maybe because I wasn't in the best of moods the night before.





On my way to the 7 train, I always pass this supermarket and there are always men unloaded all sorts of food into the supermarket. They usually mumble something under their breaths when I pass by, I try not to take notice. However today they were extremely out of line, getting close enough to whisper into my ear things like "Que nina mas linda, mi cosa tan rica, yo te lo doy como tu quieres, las cosas que te haria" I just looked very disgusted and I was. You would think age would matter, I wanted to scream at each single one of them I'm just 16! I could be your daughter! But I didn't I just walked away frusrated and disappointed that men of their age act like that.





The E train was being extremely slow this morning, not sure why but I didn't mind. It gave me time to daydream about my little dreams.





0 Period -A.P. Calculus Seminar


1 Period - A.P. Calculus


2 Period- A.P. Literature


3 Period- A.P. Government and Politics


4 Period- LUNCH


5 Period- A.P Physics C


6 Period- Internship


7 Period- PowerPoint


8 Period- Art


9 Period-A.P English Seminar





So I finally get to my school, and I missed most of A.P. Calculus Seminar but we had A.P. Cal next period so it gave me time to catch up. I got another 6 out 7 TODAY! on my Chain Rule Quiz and the quorum needed to move forward was met today :] I feel that I'm getting better at this whole math gig. Borthering Jeremy and Daniel during class was fun as usual, it's become a habit now.





I volunteered to act out a revised scene from Oedipus Rex to boost up my grade but that was last week and I forgot about it. My teacher however did not and made Juan, Manny, and I write a script and act it out for the coming Monday. We had to go to the library and pratice and what not, I couldn't keep a straight face I just kept busting into laughter. I work with Juan who has this really strong accent and his such a perfectionist so he was trying to remember a script I pulled out of my ass in 20 minutes. That was not going to happen but he was hopeful and Manny was just there to watch the spectacle of our struggling acting, he barely has lines. After "practicing" we go back to the classroom to find out we will perform on Monday (thank god) :]





I found out I'm on a list. A list that enables government to send out my information to any military service. Biedermann made a big deal about this, he gave a speech on how he doesn't think our government is fair to not let women be drafted, that we can't have gay soliders. The logic between those actions are suggesting subtle oppression that is hidden into my behavior, the government don't draft women, why because they don't think women should fight. Gay people cannot be part of the military, does your sexual orientation guide your shooting hand? But most of all what got to him was the fact that government is asking for some citizens for their information not all, and the one's they are asking for, their the ones who are trying to upgrade themselves, elevate themselves from their current life position. His personal opinion is that our government is fraught with problems, I would agree but I can't judge what I do not know. But after this course I will be sure to know where I stand.





Iesha came to school, I forgot to mention she was in A.P. English today :] I was so happy to see her, I felt like I haven't seen her in weeks. Her attendance hasn't been the greatest. She is my other lunch buddy, and today we went to the dinner and had ourselves a rub down your tummy kind of meal (yumm). We're talking about senior things, about Iesha, and my guys. Catching up on past news and just enjoying each other's company. I used to be closer to Iesha than Melissa, but now I feel like the roles have switched. Iesha seems so distant towards Melissa and I. I've always been the oddball of this trio of our's because unlike them I care to often and I'm too nice.





Melissa and I were late to Physics, but by a minute I think. Learning how to make formula's for all sorts of variables. I actually understood it, I just hope I can do the project on it -__-





During Internship I took that time to make up Cal h.w. I'm missing. I need to hand in some other handouts and finish my Derivative Gateway -__-





I finished my presentation for the Hokey Pokey, I gave it customized animation. This is my only business class, and it's so light, and today I felt like it was a special ed class there was only 5 kids. I talked to Dillon today in that class, I've known him since freshman and he wanted to get with me at one point, we used to say hi and bye but after freshman year I just stopped talking to most of the people I did. We had a brief nice conversation about the lack of students in the class and basketball. His on the varisty team and I know most of the guys on it, and I'm going to their first home game so I threatened and said the team better win and BLAH BLAH BLAH! It was nice to talk to him even though it was just a few minutes. After finishing my presentation I went on blogspot and went browsing throughout the blogs, read interesting things, it kept me distracted till the bell rung.





Ms. Tilley is so predictable, she asked the famous question "What are we grateful for?" The majority of the class responded with I'm grateful/thankful for my family and friends. I said I'm thankful for the my health and those of my loved ones. She was surprised I said that, and John had to take my lead and say I'm grateful for my education. I mouth SUCKUP! He was mouthed back HELL YEAH! I was smiling to myself. But she started pointing out all the things we should be thankful for and what not. I admit I'm ungrateful because I have so much and yet I'm never satisfied. I have good health, both parents, good friends, good grades, good neighborhood, and I'm not sad. I'm not missing an arm or leg, my mother didn't die, I'm not anti social, I'm not flunking out of h.s., I don't live in a place where I hear gunshots, and I don't have the impulse to kill myself. All these thoughts I kept to myself because I don't want to share what people won't understand.





AFTERSCHOOL





On the way home from Seminar, I'm taking the bus and I see Gerado this guy who probably still is madly in love with my ex friend Andrea. I've thought of her in the past days, whenever I take the E train or when I pass Lexington Ave she popps into my mind. I miss her sometimes. I think back to our pointless fight. I was never a good friend to her. I wish I could say sorry but I doubt it will do any good. I think the fact I'm not a part of her life anymore probably might've done her some good. I personally felt like I wasn't a good friend towards her, other's would argue that but I know I should've been I don't know but more there for her even though I was. I feel like I let her down by that stupid argument we had. It's funny how this guy reminded me so much of past person I was. But then I was distracted by texts from an unlikely person. Those previous thoughts made me feel remorse and guilt and then when I see this text from Dizzy, I felt calm again.





Dizzy: I miss my heartbeat, watsup? (HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY)





Dizzy is my proclaimed bestfriend. I titled him that myself and I don't have best friends really. But I'm glad to say he is, we've shared quite alot even though we don't see each other as much as I would want to -___- That's the one thing I hate about our relationship, he lives so far away from me. I was suppose to see him last friday and saturday. I didn't get to see at all -__- Friday I went to see Twilight and he was suppose to come with me, but his ride started drinking and I refuse to have anything happen to him (I already had a mini confrontation with Jonathan about this ^_^). Saturday was dedicated to soothing Dominique's nerves over the mini break up she had with the love of her life John. This isn't the first time I flip or he flips, we just have bad timing with each other -___- that's our history. But I refuse to not spend my birthday without him. The one guy I say I love you to and mean it. The one guy who has my heart and didn't ask for it, I just handed it over no questions asked for safe keeping.





HOME





Aunt is screaming at me for not having my keys and making her open the door. All I hear is BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH! I go into my room to find it a mess, I start cleaning and listening to music. My sister texts me to know if I want pizza because my aunt is cooking soup and I'm not going to eat water so yeah. We sneak in the pizza, we're eating it and we have some sister bonding time. She's telling me about her day and what not. The conversations she has with people and all that good stuff. Telling about how some guy wants to be her best friend, and she's like I don't have those. I can be your best friend, but you can not be mine. The one person that comes close to it is my sister and she has known me all my life. He asked her does she trust people and she's like that she trust no one, maybe an exception for me her only sister. I then ask her "Do you trust me?" and she responds with "It's not that I don't trust you, but you just know me better than anyone, and I don't have much to entrust to others." Then we were talking about why she doesn't confide in other because of stupid middle school situations. We continued like this until I got a phone call by the twins which is David and Andres, Brandon was also with them, their the three muskerters. My three football players I've known since childhood. I call them my groupies because they always want to be around my sister and I. Mostly me because I can actually endure their immaturity and I give them good conversation. All three guys are younger than me and sure act like it, but their really good kids. I adore them. I've shared alot with the twins, Andres was my first kiss. An aww moment indeed.

So they came over and stuff, my mother doesn't mind the twins company because keep down inside she hopes I'll marry one of them one day, she really likes them. Brandon on the other hand is a different story, my mother is racist and Brandon looks mixed puertorican and black but his just puertorican and my mother isn't fond of that race. But anywho he still comes over and we're all hanging out in my room. I'm on the computer, the guys are on my bed and my sister is sitting on the floor and we're just talking about god knows what. The details of the converstation flee from me... All I remember is laughing, I'm always laughing with these fellows maybe that's why I can stand the fact their immature at times. With no effort these guys can make me roll on the floor, and its over corny shit to. They stayed till 12 and then my dad came home. They got scared and left. I laughed at their punk asses.

But it was nice to have them over, we usually become close in the summer it was weird that we're still close when the seasons changed. But nonetheless I enjoy their company even though it can be very very irrating at times.

But that was my day well what I can remember because I'm finishing writing on the 1st of December.

Dear Gabriela

I was tossing and turning before my alarm went off which was at 6 AM and I wasn't tired either. I felt energized and happy which is weird because I'm usually still a zombie dumping into walls and covering myself from the light (such a vampire). But this morning was different, I felt a sense of happiness out of no where. Nothing ruined my morning not the fact that I got my period or that it was raining (I love the rain and I don't PMS like normal girls). I left my house listening to the sound of rain pouring over my umbrella. I rarely use umbrella's I hate them, their just a hassle and I lose them all the time -__- As I'm walking to the 7 train, I'm stepping into puddles and I don't mind, I felt like a kid again for that 5 minute walk. I don't have my IPOD due to my destruction of headphones so the rain was my music this morning. The constant beating against my plastic umbrella, the splashes my feet made whenever I stepped into a puddle. I was taking notice of everything, each small detail today.

On the train platform I saw my former dance classmate of sorts Tanya and we always catch up for the next 2 train rides. She's younger than me but we were both anger at one point and we just share stories. I always enjoy her company, she's a good kid.

0 Period -A.P. English Seminar
1 Period - A.P. Calculus
2 Period- A.P. Literature
3 Period- A.P. Government and Politics
4 Period- LUNCH
5 Period- A.P Physics C
6 Period- Gym
7 Period- PowerPoint
8 Period- Art
9 Period-A.P Calculus Seminar

So I'm entering my school at around 7:45 and the Program Office where I hang out and where two of my most important teachers reside in are. I forgot to finish my A.P. English research outline, structure isn't my forte. So I was going to use the extra minutes I had to try to finish one but I failed.

I went late to A.P. English because I wanted to spare myself time but that didn't work so I just ended up going and the class was discussing Oedipus Rex and Medea. Themes that correlate with these Greek tragedies, such as "Hubris is the demise of the characters" or "Is fate in our control?" It was mostly questions that these tragedies arise in one. I love this part of class, but it was to early in the morning and I just felt like so light that I didn't want to try much.

THE FIRST TIME EVER! I got a 6 out of 7 on a Gateway Quiz WOOT WOOT!! But then I got a bit upset the day I get 6 out of 7 the class decides to do BLAH! -__- SMH!! Oh it was Daniel's Birthday today so Melissa and I said HAPPY BIRTHDAY! during that class period, the nice act didn't last long. We're always smartasses to each other, its the beauty of it.

Ms. Patel didn't ask for the outline and she gave back my college essay with a bunch of scribble scrabble. We had an in-class essay to do, I personally felt like I actually did great on this one. I usually don't finish because I don't know what to write, it takes me a while to write the introduction and then after that I have several moments of writer's block so I lose time on pointless crap. But today I wrote 2 pages front and back and I finished before time so I was able to go back and re-read and put in more points and what not. I hope I did good on it :]

So we're having an in-class campaign simulation. We're currently learning about the whole nominee processes so in order to fulfully understand our teacher is having us hold campaigns within our class. I'm in the Republican party and I represent the state of Idaho (chosen for me) and there are two types of campaigns. One within the party to elect the party representative and the other is between the party representatives. So Bryan from the Republican side won and John from the Democratic side won. Both cool cats :] Biedermann is trying to work us for the small vacation we have by giving us 3 chapter outline packets to do -__-

Lunch was with Mommy Melissa and we were talking about my blog of the other day. She was laughing at me as usually. I really can't recall the conversation which is a shame -__-

I did not fall asleep today in Physics WOOT ! I actually understood what was going on. I was being extra mean to Jeremy and Daniel, told them to jump off a cliff :]

Gym was hilarious like always. I was with Shanique and we're talking about how childish I am and how most of the people in here look at me like I'm a weirdo which I'm totally okay with. Shanique is part of Epic Theatre so I was helping her rehearse and I was being just an asshole by acting out the part of a sterotype actor. With all this exaggerated gestures and screaming then softly speaking lines. Trying to mock when someone cries on cue, I was just acting silly. Oh and I did 12 girl push ups to me YAY!

I'm doing a presentation on the Hokey Pokey, I really like that song when I thought about it. Don't ask me why. I did not choose the theme of this presentation which is nursery ryhmes. I just do what is asked of me. But I was laughing at what people were choosing and their comments like Ba Ba Black Sheep is a racist nursery rhyme. That had me rolling :]

I got back my sketch book from my art teacher which is great because I miss drawing in it ever since she collected it for no reason. So I got it back and I just started drawing random stuff like a wine glass tipping over, an engagement ring. Clouds surrounding a full moon. I was relaxed while I was randoming drawing for that class period.

AFTERSCHOOL

I went to Ms.Patel to get more feedback on my college essay. She thought it was a good start and gave me more structure and suggestions. After that I went to A.P. Calculus Seminar and learned more derivatives YIPEE! I understood it I just hope I incorporate it on paper. After Seminar, Melissa and I were chilling in the Program Office. She's doing the 2934872394 rewrite of her college essay, and I'm just beginning to revise mine. I had to take two Gateway Quizes for derivaties and I got 5 out 7 on one I was so upset -__- Anywho we just stayed theretill around 6 something and found out that Cortney is my soulmate <3 She loves to cook so that is enough for me. She can fatten me up anytime :]

I treat Cortney to a bag of chips and I buy myself a snicker bar and walk in opposite directions of her and Alondra. I pray that Alondra doesn't push Cortney into the tracks because there goes my wonderful new found cook :] So I take the E on Spring Street and I forget this is rush hour -___- I manage to find a seat next to this really big guy who squished me against the bar of the corner seat. I was like whatever, I don't know why but once I entered into the train I felt my bubblyness (if that is a word) fade. This beautiful white blue eyed faired skin woman is standing in front of me. Starring at me, with wonder and I look back with eyes that are blank, there is no challenge or hostility in my gaze. I simply stare back and turn away. I found her beautiful for some reason, and she found me rather intriguing because she didn't stop looking at me, gave me expressions of trying to figure me out. If I were to see myself on the train I would just see myself as someone bored on the train and that was what I was. But she looked at me as if I don't know, but I didn't mind. She then left and I fell asleep for a few stops or so.

It wasn't until I was getting out of the train well being pushed out by all the people wanting to get out, did some guy touch me -__- GREAT that's what I needed... sigh* After that I just had a serious look which translate into a sad face for many who see me. To lazy to catch the other train I took the bus and I found a seat and I was comfortable until this elderly woman soft spoken starts giving me a speech, rationalizing, giving excuses for why I should give her my seat. I wouldn't mind giving it to her, but she had the audasity to come to me, out of all the people who were sitting down and were closer to her, she came to me. Frusrated by the man who touched me, and the fact that the woman came to me, I respectfully said I understand and I got up and I sucked my teeth because I didn't realize how tired I was until I needed force to get back up.

I finally got to my doorstep and as my mother opens the door the questions come out. Asking where am I coming from? Are you sure you were in school? Look at me when your talking? Are you lying? You would think a mother would have trust in their child who is a nerd and does nothing but try to please her -___- NO! that simply rises more questions. I go inside say hi to family members I don't understand or care to. Going inside my room I put on music and then my sister and 1st wife come in. I'm on the computer and I want to write about my day so far. Donna (only younger sister) needs the computer to do her A.P Spanish Essay. I didn't mean to give a calm attitude but my sister always gives attitude back with much more and I wasn't in the mood so I just respond calmly like before there is no need for the attitude and she always gets defensive so I just walk away.

I know when to pick my battles and I was exhausted that I didn't want to deal with her stupid tension. I go into my mother's room and just stay there for a while, I lock the door and I'm just thinking as I'm looking into the mirror. What do people see in me? Because right now I see a fragile young lady. My eyes look so tired and worn out, as if I've been high all day. I look pale and sickly. I was like why do I look so sad right now? I was happy just a few hours ago, is being happy that exhausting, am I out of pratice that I can't hold it for an entire day? I want to analyze myself further but my mother interrupts my thoughts when she tries to get into the room. I open the door for her and she looks at me and says "You look like your guilty of something" and this is when my frusration takes over and I respond with hoslitity NO. This triggered so many thoughts, for instance "Why can't I have an off day without being questioned for doing something wrong" "Why is it that when it comes to be I have to be happy for everyone else's sake" and what hurt me the most right then was the question "Why do you doubt me so much?" I felt like crying before she came in the room but because I felt overwhelmed, and I needed some type of release. But I can't cry for my sake that easily, my mother is the only one without any effort who can provoke such reactions from me -___- I leave the room because I can't stand being with her at the moment I go to the bathroom and this is when I feel more safer, I feel my eyes water but then they clear and I'm okay again.

I go back to my room to find my wife has bought herself the new IPOD and she needed my Itunes and good converstaion. Jenny my wife and childhood friend usually goes through to much shit with guys. I love her dearly but whenever she comes over, we talk about the current situation she's going through which is never a good one. I don't understand why people like her get hurt, when she doesn't deserve it -__- She's to much of a good person to be shitted on constantly by these "bad guys". I've never been in fall nor do I want to be. And she's one of many prime examples of why I don't want to be. I've wiped her tears so many times, that I know the game that her guys played from left to right. I didn't need to be in love to see the hurt it causes. I remember the constant nights she would vent out everything and I would comfort her to the best of my ability. And I reminded myself I would never want to be in her shoes and I haven't. So today, after two months of the break up with the love of her life, it still makes her cry. She's telling me the bullshit his feeding her and it's hurting her. And I can't stand to see her this way. We're laying down on my bed, her legs over mine and she's crying and telling me with just emotion in her voice I couldn't help but be moved by her vivid pain. We stay like this for a while, laying next to each other and just being there for her. She falls asleep and I let her for a half and hour then she leaves.

I then help my mother pay her bills online.

Then I finally have time to write on my blog. Then I get a text from Jonathan and this is all it takes to make my seldom mood turn to a more lighter mood.

Jonathan: Imy! =/

This alone brought a grin to my sad face. We're still texting each other :]

Sincerely yours,

Katherine

P.S. Forgive any misspelling/grammer mistakes, if I forgot any details I'll fill it in some other time, I was just jolting things down.

Dear Katherine

Dedicating this somewhat detailed report of my day to myself. I've decided to write about my days till I reach my birthday which is on Saturday the 29th.


Today I woke up late compared to the time I usually do. Which around 6 Am to leave my house around 6:50-7:00 to be in school by 7:30. I woke up at 7 AM which wasn't a problem because I got an extra hour to sleep. I needed to be in school by 8:40 so I still had time. Your probably wondering why the hell would I wake up at 6 if I needed to be in school by 8:40. Well I have 0 Period Tuesday- Friday which start at 8:00. And sometimes that extra 30 minutes gives me time to do h.w. I forgot to do.

Since I was running on time I took the train with my mother which I NEVER do. But nonetheless I enjoy the time we spend now together, even though that wasn't always the case. For example I found it adorable how she can still be an overbearing protective mother in a train station. She kept me behind the yellow line, kept telling me not to go to close to the edge if only she knew I live bending over the edge. The trains were running funky I was late for first period by like 2 minutes which didn't borther me or my teacher because we understand each other. My normal schedule is hectic so my school day schedule looks something like this


0 Period -
1 Period - A.P. Calculus
2 Period- A.P. Literature
3 Period- A.P. Government and Politics
4 Period- LUNCH
5 Period- A.P Physics C
6 Period- Internship
7 Period- PowerPoint
8 Period- Art
9 Period-

I love Mondays for the simply fact I don't have to wake up early or stay late in school :]
I forgot to finish my Cal. H.W well let's say I forgot to flip on the backside of the worksheet
I forgot I had my research paper outline due although I handed in my Austen Essay and my College Essay
I forgot to find out the Republican delegates sent to the National Convention

Lunch was Mommy Melissa and Gabby time. We spend the whole 45 minutes discussin our weekend, our crazy flashbacks. And we never get tired of each other and we have the same schedule. Together since freshman year, amazing how much I enjoy her company. Anywho during lunch I found the perfect analogy for Jonathan (will explain him later on because he deserves his own seperate blog entry). His my personalized brand of heroin <3

I almost fell asleep in Physics and my Mommy Melissa (I just call her that for personal reasons) got bitch slapped during that class by Daniel. That definately had me rolling.

Internship is a free period to just talk with my other A.P Classmates. We're talking about prom and last years prom and stuff. Which reminds me I need to find myself I need to find a prom date. I'll probably leave this to last moment
-__-

PowerPoint is my stupid people class, it's like a special ED class. The class attendance is so weak, and the presentations or topics are boring. I don't struggle what so ever, I breeze through this and the teacher likes me because I don't disrespect her, I just go in and do my work. I'm not trying to engage in anything else, I just want to get out of Chelsea.

Finally Art used to be the class I felt like I was in kindergarden again, but that has changed since my teacher's supervisior is caring about students. Now he requires Literature to be incorporated into our Art class. So my teacher makes us read excerpts of god knows what boring shit to draw a picture. I'm not an artist but I can draw fair enough for you to recognize what I've drawned.

AFTERSCHOOL

I took the train with Manny, this guy who everyone picks on out of love. Even though I do feel sorry for him because he does not defend himself and when he tries he gets cut by a scissor in Art class SMH*
His my live entertainment on my way home since I don't have headphones for my IPOD -___-
I've gotten used to it but I do miss my music and just blocking out people but Manny does well in keeping me entertained. I have a feeling he has a crush on me, which would suck because I wouldn't want to let him down. His really a cool kid :]

Anyways after I left him at 42nd to get to the N train to go to Astoria to go to the doctor to get my second dose of the HPV shot. Jonathan keep me company on the phone while I was waiting in the waiting room with all these minature people (children) roaming around. I grew YES! My dream is to be 5' 7" and I'm 5' 5" now :]

I actually used to be afraid of needles but then something happened in my childhood which I can't really recall but ever since then I don't mind the doctor or the dentist. Weird I know. This metrosexual nurse or gay nurse puntured my arm, and I tried not to wince and he was like "Oh aren't you a brave, usually girls tear or something..." I just looked at him and said "Thank you... (with a confused face)" I'm not sure if that was a backhanded compliment like what are you trying to say about girls that we're whinny and not "strong" enough to take a vaccine? I felt like a feminist while all this was going through my mind. Finally I left and my left shoulder was numb and I called Jonathan to tell them they hurt me -__- He was just laughing at me that asshole but I would to if someone was to call me to tell me that. On the train I go underground and forget and I look like a retard talking into the phone when we got disconnected -__- Then we were just texting back and worth.

THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY (other than Jonathan)

My second wife Dominique Ashley Sarah Fils-Aime. If I got the middle names confused don't shoot me -__-
Dominique came over to my house. I saw her this past Saturday too, two times in a month who's funeral?
She lives a block away from me and her school is two blocks away from mine, and even then we rarely see each other anymore. School and boys keep us away well mostly her, I could give two fucks about that.
She came by to pick up all the stuff I hijacked from her house like books and dvds and her savings are stashed under my bed but she doesn't know that :]

So she came over and she suggested we do Latino Sandwiches which is a throwback term. We made some sandwiches out of the scraps of food that my frig. had. And it didn't come out to shabby so ever since then we call it that. While making a revised version because my frig. isn't loaded like it used to be -___- We talked about twilight and made fun of Kristen Stewart and her acting. Her inmitations were priceless, I was ROFL!!! She had to bring up the most random yet serious question ever. If you had to choose between your husband/wife and child to live who would you chose? And she's like that she couldn't that she'll kill herself, I'm like thats not an option. She starts laughing at me, but I was serious, then I responded I would kill my husband I would eventually anyways I'm just quickening the process and her face was shocked. Jaw dropping much? I simply said hey I could find myself a new one. That had my sister and her were dying. But her question really got to me, what if my husband was the love of my life, would I choose my maternal love over true love? My sister interrupted this thought when she asked how old the child would be? Dominique started pointing fingers and screaming BABY KILLER! How can you even ask? Were you even considering it? And even though that's not a funny statement, her facial expression and her reaction just kept us gasping for air. This is all occuring in the kitchen, whenever Dominique comes over the Kitchen is the place where all the laughs are cooked up :] We finally came to the conclusion that if it's a baby, we would kill it and just make a new one. But if it's a teenager or older we would choose the child over the husband and find ourselves someone new. Now it's time to walk my monster babies which are my poodles so they can do their business outside and take Dominique home.

So now I'm just writing my day, and how it went and looking back on it, it wasn't routine how I usually think of it.
Didn't realize all the things I did and did not do today.

If you actually read it, I'm flattered you actually took interest long enough to read this :]

Fondly yours,
Gabriela

P.S. My grammer sucks so bear with me. I needed to jot everything down before I forgot the details.

Twilight.

I watched it the day it came out, and while I was waiting on the line to get my ticket. People of all ages, races, backgrounds came to see this. Some haven't even read the book, but the hype around this brought enough people to sell out several time shows. Doesn't surprise me that people are such loyal followers to the media.

I personally liked the books. The movie however is another story, if you haven't read the books you'd like the movie but if you have read the books you'd be disappointed.

Main reason why I stayed 2 hours in a seat was because of the attractive MALE actors. I felt Kristen Stewart her acting was a bit overdone. She never smiled, and the hospital scene was way over dramatic for anyone's taste. I felt that Alexis Bebel would've been a better Bella Swan. There were crucial scenes missing that were in the book but not in the movie. For example, the Lab that required blood and that maded Bella sick and Edward decided to ditch class. Bella also emailed her mother, she hardly called her in the first book. And also Bella did not find out about Edward by reading a book and Googling. Jacaob told her on the beach, when she went to La Push. The movie just missed things like the discussion they had.

The movie did not match up to what the book was.

Junior writing.

Literature belongs to the world man constructs, not to the
world he sees; to his home, not his environment.

- Northrop Frye

The quote means to me that literature is not restricted to any place or anyone.

"The world man constructs" and "the world he see's" are different concepts. The world man constructs is what man creates for himself to indulge in, it is not reality or the turh of how the world really is. "The world he sees" is the perspective in which a person analyzes life in.

"The world man constructs" and "the world he sees" both require the person to interpet the world differently, as well as build it and see it as what it is.

Who's the next President?

It's amazing how uninformed Americans are about the process of electing a president -__-Obama has won the popular vote he has not YET won the electoral college vote.

The difference between these votes are essential to understand how our government works. The popular vote is the people's vote. The electoral college vote determines who becomes president. The popular vote helps the electoral college know what the people want.

The electoral college votes December 15, 2008 and the votes are read January 6, 2009 by Congress.Then the president is inaugrated January 20, 2009.

This has not yet happened, so Obama is not president yet. He most likely will be however the electoral college has gone against what the people wanted before. Four times to be exact. It makes you think will this be the fifth time?

Self Control.

Self control is a virtue I possess too much of so I've been told... And I can see where those individuals come from with that remark, because they’re not actually praising me for it, their criticizing me. It honestly doesn't come to me as a surprise why those individuals made that statement that holds a tone of subtle indifference. However, I justify their thinking because they lack the words and understanding of me to know why their right to a certain extent. You see it's the fact I don't give in to the desires of others and of my own so willingly that it's automatically seen as I have self control or I'm holding back.

So then the question arises when does self control turn into holding back? According to others, I seem to blur the lines in which this happens. However if anyone were to actually hold a worthy conversation with me you would think otherwise. You would think I'm to outgoing that I don't censor my thoughts. People doubt my ability to hold back or have restraints but nonetheless I do. I find it rather insulting that at that's the impression people have of me. But then again I don't, because apparently I'm braver in my words and thoughts than those who encounter me think so. Then when you get to know me, you see how much I deny myself for the good of others. Those who are closer than normal know how much self sacrifice I endure. So I try to have a balanced view on where does this logic comes from that makes people define me as someone to impulsive or to limited. I am defined at the extremes of these opposites. At those extremes I thought to myself where do I stand, and I realize I stand on not having to explain my restrictions or outbursts. I admit to all the charges against me. I can tell you my history with no expectations of secrecy or understanding. I can hold back from accepting help when needed.

Contradicting are these moments. And usually when this happens my reactions are always questioned, it’s always either my actions are right or wrong. And most of the time they’re the "right choice" but then again for you. And when I do the "wrong thing" it impacts the future people I will encounter. It's a cycle in which I never win, or so it seems. I don't mind being questioned if you have the right questions, and you know what you want to know, without fear or worry of my response. I only answer when I know you’re ready to hear me. I tend not to lie about things, so my brutal honesty can be overbearing sometimes...

Like has it ever crossed your mind, that we're more inclined to do the wrong thing because its easier. If you lie to your mother about doing this or that with a boy, is it wrong to spare her from details that will corrupt your image in her heart and mind. Is it your place to hurt your mother with your actions, when you can simply wait till she is ready to hear it? Too many people claim to want the truth but once they've obtained it, they preferred to be ignorant. So what do you do when people want to remain ignorant and happy? Do you make them aware and miserable against their will? I personally just go with my gut and say what needs to be said at the right time. Timing is everything...

So basically time determines my self control or the lack of it…

Curing Humans.

Second prize winner has been my part
Always second in the games of humans
Never the first to truly touch one’s life
I could only touch your life after you’ve undergone harm
This is when I step into the picture
I am not the one to provoke the harm, I’m the healer
The mender of humans
I’ve become a hospital
Taking in patients to nurse them back
My arms have become the blankets to warm you from the coldness of the world=
My kisses soothe your thoughts
My thighs show you that not all flesh incites pain
My hands show you that it’s okay to let go and hold on
My eyes show you to see life not as it seems
My feet show you that a balance is what is needed for you to stay on the ground
My mind shows you that knowledge elevates you
And my heart shows you what it is to love without asking for anything in return
See I've become a healer of my generation
To those who fall victim to the games of others
They find refugee in me
And I take pleasure in helping them
Cause I've learned never to become attached
And as much as I may care for you as a patient
My heart does not feel for you in another way
It feels for you as a victim and nothing more
There has been on few occasion
Where the patient’s case really got to me
There has always been attraction
But I try to keep it professional
But they were all different from each other
Different needs
Different wounds
Different wants
Different ways of healing

And since I'm passive in my emotions

I'm flexible to their needs not my own

And this fact borthers me a bit

Not because I should feel for them, but because I don't know how

So to distract these disturbing questions

I took on new patients

Fixed them right up

And the cycle never stops

Your pain doesn't stop

And my questions remain unanswered.

- Palaguachi

Will probably add on.

I'm a gambler at heart.

I found something so unlike anything before in,
An individual that is so distinct from anyone I have ever met,
His done something that many haven't done before,
He hasn't hurt me and its that and the promise of something real
that just draws me towards him,
yet he does this without any awareness
of his effect on me,that with his words and his touch
he slowly heals this broken-down heart

EXTENDED

and he doesn't truly know how this torn girl
cares for him, with every passing moment
that she feels so caught up that she's tempted to stay
and that she desires to be able to give into this person beyond reason
because its been a while
and his voice triggered something she thought she couldn't feel again
and I know am crossing dangerous territory with you,
but I don't mind, you were always a risk
and now am taking a chance a gamble
but it is so hard since I resist and am afraid to give in
and be filled with sensations i haven't experienced before,
you are the first I deny my body and soul to,
when all I want to do is surrender
into your feelings and get lost within you,
because from our first glances,
I was transfixed
you are my foolish love,
my absolute lust,
my new fond love
I found in you

- Palaguachi

I wrote this a while back for an almost love, but I dedicate this to just any love out there.

She is?

"Black hair that contains translucent streaks of red
Lips as ripe as your sweetest fruit
Eyes as dark as fire or wood
Sun kissed skin with a tone of innocence
Considered attractive to many but that's all up to interpretation
A voice husky with youth & experience
A mind beyond her age & comprehension
A heart of gold
That no man has tamed or known
Many have tasted her friendship
The purest bond other than the physical that connects her to others
She loves beyond reason certain individuals and
She is their foundation in which they lay upon
Her ideas, her voice&& finally the love that pushes her & others through is the beauty found in life
Art in all its forms, literature of all sorts, just the essence of higher learning
Foods & wines of luxury
Men and their talents
She indulges in the pleasures of life
An appetite for humane objects unsatisfied
So who is this?
What would you classify her as?
The woman whose image has been raped by society expectations?
A woman with a desire of learning with a streak of immoral sin
Or
A friend with endless hope for the good in everyone
What if she embodies all of the above
So the question narrows down to is she good or bad?

- Palaguachi

Might add on. Who knows.

Numb.

I can not let
I will not let
You make me feel
It is against the rules
I'm seperating myself from emotions
So I can breathe easier without those sentiments burdening my chest
And as the cliche goes it becomes easier as the days go by
I am no longer affected by you as yesterday
I don't experience the luxuries of happiness or anguish today
Co-existing off the intoxicated air of today's atmosphere
I simply linger in existence
Completely ignorant of those everyday emotions
Numb to affection
Fearing where this cynicalism will lead
And even though my cool exterior is quite decieving
I'm undergoing an internal change
My organs are rearranging themselves
I'm disposing of unnecessary things heart
Seems my body has gone into shock
Cause I'm not aware of anything but time
And I'm running out of it with every moment I waste with you
And I'm hanging onto passion
Which is leveling my temperature
Cause I'm not sure if I'm cold or warm blooded anymore
A creature stepping into new found no man lands
A dangerous mental territory
A place unknown to me, cause I still haven't explored the outer corners of my mind
I stand in a place where you can not reach me
Located somewhere in between my lost morals and my fears that cling to the walls
Waiting to attack anything that they can infect with a mental poison
I've been here to many times before
That it's the same old wounds
My body has acquired the anti-bodies
So I'm okay for this, cause I've become immune
And ever since then I've been numbed down and I don't know why
Seems that trip has disrupted my capability to feel
Cause I'm not sensible to what I should be
Not sure how to react to what's been done
Totally ignorant to your feelings
Cause I've lost all my emotions
So I don't know how to deal with your's since I can't find my own
Guess this occurs when someone questions and makes one reflect of past experiences of yourself and others
Taking a current course on the History of Lost Ones
Where my teacher is Life and I am a pupil
Reading the chapters of my life that I long to forget and remember
Underlining the lines in which you enter and consume my pages
To finally understand the lesson of my life
That no one realizes their true pain in the moment of its occurrence
That we really don't acknowledge what we endure
Only after we reflect on it
And it is time that grants this
And it's your time now,
I've been given a gift but its a curse to you
Cause you wish I could feel
At this moment my state of numbness is what saves me from the past pain inflictions.

To be continued...

Clashing Emotions.

"Emotions seem to flow through my veins like my very blood

But today my blood has been boiling under the warmth or is it the wrath of the sun?

I can not really say but I accept it it either wayJust like I accept the winter breeze which makes one cold

Yet today it isn't winter that has cooled down my heated spirit but rather a chilled sea breeze

That brought me epifanies

Of new days to come

That made me realize the reality of certain things

Even though my eyes stray from it

I knew the outcome of us, and dreadful to admit

I was living in an illusion

What we were & are to each other were just figments of our imagination

Expectations implanted in each others idea of perfection

We deceived ourselves in believing we were what we needed for each other

But we both knew deep down that we were to different to co-exist

Your a selfish lover with a streak of jealousy & insecurity

While I'm the free-spirit that hasn't been tamed and knows no boundaries

Combined together we clashed

Even though I tried to keep it together

My efforts weren't enough for your ego,

Your troubled soul, that I couldn't calm

You didn't allow me

And I never let you in to know who I was

A natural actress I played my part

But never the role you wanted me to play

So now we stand no longer by each others side, we're

Going down two different paths of desires

Trying to find what we were trying to look for in each other

Perhaps it was there at one point

That spark or potential for that ideal love

But to late now, we brought the "bad" out from each other

And now I've accept the loss of you'cause you never cared enough

To prevent such an action

And I already knew the consequence of being with you

And still risked it cause I thought you were worth it handsome

To bad you couldn't see

The potential we had, so now

We linger around as strangers as we always were to each other

One day the odds will be different

And when that happens perhaps one day

Our clashing can be harmonious as the waves crashing onto the shore

A beautiful act of nature."

- Palaguachi

GO GREEN!

I feel like dropping humans like you drop litter on the floor

You see it everyday

Everyone does it

And its considered normal

But now everyone is like GO GREEN

And everyone is saving their trash

So idk what to do with the litter I've collected

They just seem to stash up

Got them from all corners of NYC

With different backgrounds

All of them I share a history with

A great story of past laughs, cries, smiles, fights, and moans

I just cling onto what they once meant to me

And their good kids who just had a few rough edges

That I used to like dealing with

But at one point those edges cut, and I let go in all senses

But kept the memory, and now my trash

Was at one point my treasure

And I wish I could keep all of them

But that's selfish and unfair to me cause you cause me harm

Sometimes friendships and relationships don't last

Sometimes things don't end up how you thought they would

But this garbage bag your bragging around you isn't helping you

Cause this pile up of memories are dragging me down

And sometimes you can't reach an exit

And in this case it would be a garbage can

So the only way to deal with it is sometimes to walk away from it

Leave it and just move on

- Palaguachi

A Hollywood Romance

You and I are staring in a low budget film
An A class actress starting with a rookie in this game
Your experience doesn't gain you access to me
But yet you still got the part in this play
Seems you blinded the director with your witty charm & remarks
But you see I've dealt with your type before
This is just another run around the same base in which my common sense knows all to well
And now we're the leading roles in a reality show that has gone all wrong
The director has played match maker and now
We end up together, so now we're faking romance scenes
Hollywood has poisoned your idea of love, and you confused it with lust
You think just case we share hot scenes on set will change what we are to each other
Don't confuse this movie with real life
Cause in reality we're not anything to each other
We go our seperate ways in the end of the day like any other
I don't even know your last name and you want to give me yours
The rookie who belongs to everyone
While I'm the cynical one who's trying to investigate the outer limits of herself
To see if a certain individual exists that can offer some type of attraction that will show me what I've missed
While your the lover of all
Got girls chasing you before you were even born
Shit I'll admit you can retain my attention
But between that moment it only took a second to make me realize
What game you play
And even though I've been down that monopoly road
And I thought to myself, FUCK IT I've been there before so
I took the dice and declared it was my turn
So I rolled something lucky
And ended up with you
The one who claims love after touch
You see your still young for me,
And although the forehead kisses and back alley kissing
Were good, cause I've never had those before
The first to show me some real hollywood romance
But it was just to hollywood for me
And yet I couldn't leave
Until the actors in us got the best of us in this game we were playing
Cause your known to play victim while I'm the bad guy
When we know I don't have the heart for it but I do have the skill doesn't mean I will
But your ego kept deceiving you
You know we only did what each other deserved
Being a victim at this point of the game
Wasn't smart love cause that just proves how I got to you
You won't' find me being a victim cause then that means you hurt me
And that's not the case
I never got attached
You see my heart is made of steel
And sure Its been knocked on several times
And some of those knocks knocked me out for a while
But not enough to leave a bent or mark
And your no different darling
You think you star in this
When in fact your just a temp
While I search for my leading role
Cause your not that material for me
And as much as I may care, I know better
Than to be deceived by that crooked smile that captured me at first
Plus I think the other girls that roam you left to right
Should have their turn with you
Cause I had my fun and it was worth it for a while
But time was something we didn't have for each other
No scratch that, time is what you didn't have for me
Cause there was no us
We never established a relationship, it was all a hollywood romance
Just a boy I called my friend in the end of the day
Who I occasionally hit it off as lovers
But anything more was out of the question
And even though I wouldn't mind exchanging kisses under sheets
I want something more than that of the physical
You were not enough for me in that department anyways
You couldn't reach inside me
You couldn't stay along beside me
You didn't remain
And I didn't like you that way
I stayed cause of obligation and need
Those two things should never be combine
And that was what happened
I got caught in between those two
- Palaguachi

Not directed to anyone. I just liked the Hollywood theme.

Palaguachi’s Fourteen Points

These are the fourteen qualities that I like in men :]

And it would help if that person looked like this ;]

1. Sense of humor
2. Intelligent/Curious
3. Diverse/ Cultured
4. Adventurous/ Risk-taker
5. Charming/ Exciting
6. Passionate/ Competitive
7. Non-judgmental
8. Patient/Compassionate
9. Honest/ Sincere
10. Humble/ Modest
11. Kind-hearted/Affectionate
12. Bold/Aggressive
13. Flexible/ Spontaneous
14. Self-respect for themselves & others

Questioning You.

Every moment that passes by there are minds, emotions, thoughts, and bodies used and abused And its victims are usually the youth, and I take part of this group
Even though age is just a temporary state
From my own personal experience I know this is true
I see every time I roam my school’s hallways trying to get into class
I see the students who are oppressed my their own teachers
Telling them they can’t make it
Or when those students prove the stereotypes of us minorities with their reckless actions
But you can blame them; most of us don’t any better
And we’re striving for other means of success
Not of the intellect but of accomplishing our own selfish needs
To be human is to be selfish, that’s what Thomas Hobbes said
It’s our own selfish desire that will be our demise
This desire, our eagerness to feel ecstasy or adrenaline or just simply feel
Makes the best of us act on instinct rather than judgment
It’s addictive to the point where it blocks out our reasoning and morals
It intoxicates us into a state of mind in which we just don’t care
We just want to reek in feeling
Why is it that we’re compelled to feel?
It’s like engraved in our genetic code
Humans must feel in order to be satisfied
And to be satisfied you have to reach your limit
But you only discover your limit once you have passed it
So who is to determine this for you?
Cause once you past your limit you’ve entered the boundaries of what’s right and wrong
And passing that limit tend to mean your doing the wrong thing
Our definition of what’s right and wrong differs for all the masses
So why do we allow society to advise us about morality?
When we don’t believe it is just for us
Since when did majority rule mean that’s the right choice?
This has got me thinking
Cause you’re the first to raise your hand
When it comes to judging me
Seems like where you lacked in academics you picked up in morals
Questioning whether or not my moral compass has broken
I’ll save you from trying to save me
Your words do not know the depth of my decisions
What you have observed is what you wanted to observe, not the truth
And then there comes another thing to question
What is the TRUTH?
Who defines it?
Who tells it?
And finally who decides on it?
I know my truth, can you honestly tell me you know mine?
Last time I remember you weren’t so far behind on my path of sin
That’s what you call my life right
And I don’t mind cause I’ve never claimed the title of a saint
And I will proudly hold myself to my mistakes
Cause unlike you I’m not afraid to live

To be continued…

A Moving Attraction.

Yikes! This piece I wrote a while back. But it's going to be revised and all that good stuff :]



Bascially the topic is about how people don't have the guts to engage in small talk or even a full blown conversation with someone they find attractive. I don't really know about the rest of the masses but when I see someone that I find attractive I usually keep it moving. We lock eyes, we walk a tad slower, and we past each other and there goes the guy who could've been my soulmate. Hence the explanation for the title "A Moving Attraction"

This irritates me time and time again *sigh* In this fast pace city you would think we could set time to get to know a stranger afterall we all were strangers at one point. New York City the fashion captiol of the world, contains so many lovely faces. Whether or not you have actually seen someone attractive in this jungle gym of people is up to interpetation. If you haven't well I feel sorry for you, cause New York City is full of beautiful people as well as alot of ugly. However, we tend to stray our eyes to things that are appealing. I always find someone attractive on the train, guess I'm just lucky. I do plead guilty of not engaging in small talk with strangers, cause I have pride and tend to be shy on occasion. I have the guts to do alot of things but when it comes to things of romance I usually shy away.

For instance, haven't you ever locked eyes with this one person, whether its on the train or street doesn't matter. But both of you know that you find each other attractive, yet do nothing about it. And what gets to me more, the irony in the situation is how once you two realize that you've been looking/starring at each other for a while. Both or one always turns away, because their either ashamed and a million thoughts/questions run through their heads. Like damn did I stare to hard or to long? What if that person thinks I'm a weirdo? Or do they think i'm cute/pretty/handsome/goregous/beautiful/adorable/good looking/sexy and all that other good stuff.

Insecurity reaks through these two people who just excahnge a glance. Like their both trying to look at each other again and again without getting caught, like its a cat && mouse game but just with the eyes. These two people are apparently attracted to each other, but neither has the guts to talk to on another which is sad. The question now is, they've already shared a glance isn't that enought to start a romance? Come on, we see this shit happen all the time in the movies. The perfect love stories happen with just sharing a glance.

If your starring at me, I would hope its cause I'm pretty or something, cause if any other reason would be terrible lolEven though I'm pointing out to those who don't talk to those individuals that your attracted to. I do the same, I'm not even going to front about that. You don't know me, but I have a great deal of pride. I won't talk to you if you dont' talk to me first. I'll talk to you first if its like an IMPULSE, that i MUST TALK TO YOU. If not then i can live without. Talk to me, i'll talk back, perhaps even try to keep the converstation going. I have started conversations with random strangers on the train and on the streets. I don't think its a good idea, but i choose wisely. The ones i usually talk to are artists, musicians, photographers, architects, protestors, people that fit in those caterogies. I always learn something from them, whether or not its a whole train train converstation or just a 5 minute one, you get something from anything you do. These individuals were usually older men, who thought I was like beyond legal. I wish but, everything in its due time right?There are many scenerio's that deal with this whole concept.

Imagine you see this really goregous person on the train once and all of what i just explained happened between the two of you. The cat && mouse game with the eyes and all the insecurity. And then that person gets off the train or crosses the street. Never to be seen again, chances are that you'll never see this person again.But if you ever do again see that person, there's a look of recogniztion on their faces, a type of dumb look, the face that has written all over it "Do I know you from somewhere?' or "You look familiar, but i just can't put my finger where I know you from." But when you realize where you know this person you kind of smile to yourself and keep it to yourself?!?!?!?

Still you do nothing?


WTF! are we/ you waiting for! Another god knows when to see this perfect stranger that lives in a city of 294713850932745037809583049 people!Why is it that people don't go after what they want? And when they do they have fear or their to late?Its the sad truth of our day. Just thought I would share that with you guys cause its been bugging me lately

Tell me what you think, If you care to [=

Mind-Set

Life as of right now
Is going pretty smooth, can't complain to something that hasn't gone wrong yet
&& of course theres speed bumps in this highway called life
But my ride got brand new shocks
Let’s say, am prepared to take things with open arms
&& it seems that lately there has been a something that has caught my eye
And when I see something I want
And this something wants me too
It’s the start of something with potential
And I think I like this but I don't want to like this
Cause I’m guilty of mixing lust && reason together
So what should I do?
When all the time in the world is slipping through my hands,
This won't mean a thing come tomorrow I know and
That’s exactly how I want it to be or at least that's what I make it seem
And while I do this my brain gets more wired
Like storm clouds and sunny days
Like iced tea and hot coffee
Been through too many ups & downs
Finally staying on the ground && not in the clouds
And there's this one song
That stays in my head... all day.
But I kind of want it to stay.

- Palaguachi

P.S. This is an old that has been re-visited and re-vised :]

Classic Case.

You’re a classic case of insecurity
Afraid of them seeing what lies behind all those fabrications you’ve created to belong
Concerned on what others think and not paying attention to your own thoughts
Your mind is racing and is so attentive but not towards yourself
But the crowd fluttering around you, and your mind is to busy assuming the worse love
Until your insides start acting up, your body always betrays you
Cause your body knows better than your mind at this point
And your other is taking over; the side that wants indulge in its own desires
So now the fighting is beginning once again
Your at constant battle with yourself
The good and bad plague you, and its noticed cause its marked against your skin
Their all a part of her yet she still tries to fight it
She doesn’t realize she’ll only win when she embraces all her sides
But her mind isn’t on winning but rather surviving this battle
That has been going on since her silent moments of childhood that you kept yourself tormented
You never realized silly girl that your own salvation is yourself
No other could save you from the abyss of your dark mind
But you were too demanding to see that
To busy blaming & scheming
So much resentment for what you didn’t understand
And your to lovely to have such thoughts in your head
And when you hear her thoughts spoken it’s as if passion takes a form in her voice
But behind every word lurks her bitter side
The anger, resentment, sadness, and loneliness she holds on to
Since she has nothing else to
All contradicting emotions linger by her side
And reek out onto her words which start off heated with passion then cooled down by her softness
She learned how to make her words become soothing and inspiring
And many seek her for her words
So young and hardly experienced to be capable of giving advice yet she’s fit for the job
Her advice is based on all the factors not her opinion
Your wisdom comes not from your own experience
But of those who tell their tale to you
Their stories made you live, their pain was your own
As well as their sorrow, happiness, anger, and thoughts
You absorbed it all, took it all in to save them
What a mistake it was to burden yourself with their skeletons when you haven’t gotten rid of yours yet
That’s how you know she’s losing her battle
But like you were never about winning
You were only about surviving and feeling
Considered the valiant one for choosing to encounter your evils
Your no coward but you are a fool
For absorbing what you don’t need, but its isn’t just the redundant experience that entertains you
It’s the thrill of the consequence, the aftermath of your action that pulls you in
It is what marvels you enough to commit sin after sin
This is when your other kicks in and takes over
While you suffer from guilt of indulging, you redeem yourself by helping others
It’s been engraved in your nervous system; it’s a part of you
Countless times people tried to pull you away from that, and try to save you
But they could never, if you always end up saving them in the end
So many failed attempts due to their lack of understanding you
My heart aches for you darling
How can you expect anyone to understand your internal war that you go through alone?
And you still have the strength to fight other people’s demons as well as your own
I admire you entirely and its sad to know that
You’ve settled for giving herself till there is no more
So she won’t have to feel this anymore
She wants to give it all away so she doesn’t have to be with it anymore
This aching hole that lingers in her chest that pulls and tugs at her
She won’t accept your charity of emotions
So brainwashed to not be loved
You who have taken many male companions but none understood you
Not the way you wanted them to
They never truly saw you for you
They never noticed you
The things that made you, you
Like the way you would speak to them
In a husky light soft tone, she would whisper sweet comforts
Always lovely were those words exchanged between lovers
But over times the richness in your voice has faded
What happened did you get tired of fighting against yourself?
Did time and life worn you down finally?
You were but a child when the world made you all grown up now
Nonetheless you hung on to your innocence
Although you mask yourself with your witty remarks and comments
One can tell your tired of holding onto ideals of good things
When all that surrounds you isn’t
Those fire eyes of yours seen to much, and when you glance into them
Their pleading for everything to stop, to just stop
Just for a second, just long enough for her to get the one thing she’s been searching for
Which is love
She has sacrificed herself to many times that now she’s exhausted of giving hers away
Demanding they claim her to be that they can’t complete her requests
They never understood that all ever needed is
To have someone just love her, not the common way others have
She’s been loved in all the wrong ways
Her body used and abused for the pleasure of others
Her mind forever curious and seeking answers to questions that everyone has long forgotten
Never satisfied always with thirst for more, with a throbbing heart that isn’t completely hers or there
Behind that robust chest of hers lies a big heart that doesn’t beat
Its there but with no meaning to serve
She breathes just to breathe no reason other than it’s a necessity
Exhaling the impurities of her body
Inhaling the sins of others
And her breathing process is fading in the background as she escapes from this
So where did that lovely girl hide?
Because we all know she’s somewhere lost
And it would be a pity to lose something inside all of us
That little something called hope.
-Palaguachi