Reminiscing.

I've been thinking a great deal about the past year. I just haven't had the time to actually sit down and write about everything that I've been feeling.

To start 08 was the best year I've had by far. It was the year I started using XYZ as my alias. That was my New Year resolution those three letters and everything they represent. So many have asked what does XYZ mean well at first each letter represents an accomplishment, goal, experience, feeling, inspiration, and/or deed I will go through. But throughout the months I’ve added on to what XYZ means to me and I feel I have accomplished my 08 resolution. I accomplished XYZ.

I miss you 08 already but I feel that 09 will bring me much more. Not sure of what exactly but I know that I will learn from it with grace as I did with you.

The start of 08 was with my wifey and sister, two of the most amazing people I know. We all were taking pictures and just chilling at my house drinking. We’re laughing and chit chatting about 07 and how this year 08 will be better for us. I started 08 with a sense of friendship after I lost a very close friend; I was mending that wound with more profound friendships.

In the beginning of the year I went back with the first guy who gave me butterflies. Realized that the feelings were gone that I was just fond of the memory. That we were in two different places now and that way back when we were together was a different time and different place. I finally let go of what held me back from relationships. I let go of that boy who once made me happy to FIND what makes me happy and someone who will make me happier.

I had my first Valentine this year, he wasn’t my boyfriend but a good friend that now I’ve lost contact with. But he was the sweetest boy he bought me flowers, chocolate, and a teddy bear. It should’ve escalated to something more than a friendship but I wasn’t ready for that, I’m sorry. But I told you I would remember you as the best Valentine I’ve had and I will.

In March I accomplished my two years of celibacy. Ecstatic and proud of myself for knowing my virtue and proving myself and other’s how wrong and how strong my self control, free will, and determination is. Gained the respect of many of my friends who were skeptics about my decision, and I gained my self-respect back.

May brought about a mental challenge the first of its kind and a relationship. I took my A.P. U.S. History exam. That course well my instructor will be one of few who I will remember as inspiring. Someone who made me realize the harsh realities of this world, of how privileged I am. Made me realize the sacrifice needed to improve my life circumstance. You were one of the few people who were capable of challenging and enlightening me.

Other than being mentally stimulated I engaged in a relationship. Started dating a friend who ironically was there for me throughout the two years of celibacy. He listened to everything I went through, offered his harsh opinion but he was real to me. That relationship showed me that sometimes the person needs to feel needed and protected. That pride can ruin a relationship when your significant other wants you to fight for them rather than hold back. I’m sorry I couldn’t build the relationship you wanted, you asked too much from someone who doesn’t know how to do that. But I thank you for giving me that reality check about pride, because I lost you not as love interest but as one of my closest friends.

Although I lost a close friend I gained one. I gained my brainwashing serum. We founded a friendship that is so resilient; we can tell each other anything without any fear of judgment. We understand each other so well that we can finish each other’s sentence. “Even though we never even met you still held my hand in the time I spent in the dark” –That’s your words but with my twist in it. We started a friendship thing no one ever saw coming and it became the envy of many but together we hold it up, we hold each other up. Thank you for coming into my life when I needed a sweet talker as a friend.

The end of the school year brought many sad goodbye’s to all the senior’s I knew. Chelsea will never be the same without you guys. You definitely left an impression on me, I will always look up to you guys as the older brother’s I never had that bothered me whenever they had a chance. That would attack me with hugs after class and before lunch. That we would play rock-paper-scissor till we were tied and late to class. You seniors understood whenever I needed you guys to be. I miss my Business senior’s, all the jokes cracked in class, the countless laughs exchanged and texts in between class. I miss the trouble you guys would get in for me. Class will never be the same but I know all of you went off to do better things.

The summer brought the most unlikely experiences and relationships. I finally realized what it meant to be used and use someone for your selfish purposes. I discovered a side of myself that I never really knew existed through all that I experienced with a certain acquaintance. I thank you for helping me understand even though we were never friends and never could… you taught me a great deal about what I need and want from someone else.

In the middle of the summer I found someone who made me realize what it is to have someone by your side without any obligation. You showed me what it was to be comfortable enough to present someone special to family and friends. The first guy who spent most of his time trying to make me feel comfortable and special in his arms. I believed your sweet words, not the first of its kind but they were more sincere than most. I thank you for showing me what it is to care for someone without feeling trapped or obligated to.

The first time I traveled without my parents to P.R. to stay with my cousin and her husband. First time ever that I felt welcomed into a home. I met the side of family that I’ve never really known. The warmth and love that radiated from my cousins side of the family intoxicated me. It was great to see that sense of family and know that they embraced my sister and I willingly. I bonded with my cousin for the first time; we exchanged and learned much of each other. I gained a new family and friend when I went to P.R.

I finally met one of my serums friend during the last week of the summer. Quite excited and nervous to met an individual that connected with me on so many levels. Anticipation took over me when we met. Everything went well we had deep conversations and shared many things. Shared a meal and laughed too much. I haven’t enjoyed a guy friends company as much as that day. It could’ve escalated to something more, but I felt that we lacked something and I would rather have you in my life as a friend than an ex. And with that I gained him as a friend that day and I am grateful for that.

The start of the school year brought my most challenging life schedule. Four A.P. classes = NO LIFE! With that schedule it helped end a summer fling. However it brought a greater sense of classmate ship. I became closer with the people in my class than I ever did before. Although my other friendships started becoming distance, the acquaintances I had soon started becoming much more profound friendships.

October brought my serum’s friendship into something more. We established something more from this month on. The deepest mental connection I’ve ever had I share with you. I’m in love with your mind, with the potential that we have together. I remember that phone call it was around 1ish and you said that you’re really into someone but it’s the strangest thing because you haven’t even met her. I was like she’s a lucky gal who is she? And you responded with a chuckle when you wake up in the morning look into the mirror and you’ll see her. I was skeptically and said well you have bad taste because I look terrible in the morning, you laugh and said NO that you find me beautiful always but at this time it’s a different type of beauty because it’s the real me without anything. And ever since this phone call you’ve been present in my every thought, dream, fantasy, smile, laugh, feeling, and words. This month just brought me closer to you, closer to someone I’ve never met but would die to. I’m thankful that you’re braver than me in admitting what you feel because I didn’t have the guts to.

Halloween was the first of its kind. Spent it with unlikely individuals, my sister’s friends and smoked up for the third time in my whole entire life. Blurred memory is that day, but it was thrilling.

November brought me my best friend my heart Dizzy to me once again but in a better form. Finally met my brainwashing serum and hanged out with his friend, all of us on the same day. I will always love November for that, for bringing me with my serum, face to face. My birthday also lies within this month and it was great only for the fact I saw my heart Dizzy again. My birthday was quiet and kind of boring but it had its drama at the end. The upside about it I spent it with people I love my sister, my wife and my heart. I lost Dizzy way before this month and gained him back. My birthday was the transition I needed and got. So I thank I'm alive and learning for another year.

December brought one of the different kisses I've ever felt and it was with my serum. This made my month, well it did for a while untill it was clouded by issues. Those issues brought the most profound sense of friendship I’ve known with my wife’s. Going to their houses and hanging out with them when my reality became too much for myself. They became my escape and the shoulder I would lean on when I couldn’t bear the troubles of my home. My friendships became my refuge at this time, and I want to thank every single one of you, even if you weren’t there for me physically you were there for me mentally and emotionally.

08 brought many changes in my life. Brought back old and new friends into my life, it established better connections and relationships with people. I said a great deal of goodbye’s and hellos to many. This year just taught me more about hardships, disappointments, disillusionment, compassion, understanding, and love than I ever hoped for. And for that this year will go down as one of the best I’ve had because it taught me so much. Thank you 08.

Gift.

"At night, you'll look up at the stars. It's too small, where I live, for me to show you where my star is. It's better that way. My star will be... one of the stars, for you. So you'll like looking at all of them. They'll all be your friends. And besides, I have a present for you." He laughed again.

"Ah, little fellow, little fellow, I love hearing that laugh!"

"That'll be my present. Just that... It'll be the same as for the water."

"What do you mean?"

"People have stars, but they aren't the same. For travelers, the stars are guides. For other people, they're nothing but tiny lights. ANd for still others, for scholars, they're problems. For my businessman, they were gold. But all those stars are silent stars. You, though, you'll have stars like nobody else."

"What do you mean?"

"When you look up at the sky at night, since I'll be living on one of them, since I'll be laughing on one of them, for you it'll be as if all the stars are laughing. You'll have stars that can laugh!"

And he laughed again.

"And when you're consoled (everyone eventually is consoled), you'll be glad
you've known me. You'll always be my friend. You'll feel like laughing with me.
And you'll open your window sometimes just for the fun of it... And your friends
will be amazed to see you laughing while you're looking up at the sky. Then
you'll tell them, 'Yes, it's the stars; they always make me laugh!' And they'll
think you're crazy. It'll be a nasty trick I played on you..."

And he laughed again.

"And it'll be as if I had given you, instead of stars, a lot of tiny bells that know how to laugh..."

The Little Prince by: Antoine De Saint-Exupery

I will one day dedicate this to someone special.

Post Secrets.

New Year

Everyone usually has some sort of resolutions for this fresh slate. New Year New Beginnings? Probably if one makes it so.

I know I'll probably not keep all of them, but that's not the point in making these aspiration. It's the fact your willing to change a behavior to make yourself a better person or to challenge yourself.

My main resolution is TO STOP BEING AFRAID OF WHAT MAY BECOME OF ME.

My mini resolutions are:

Stop bitting my nails.
Be more organized
Have a flatter tummy
Have more faith in people
Embrace what I don't admit
Speak more freely
Learn to reach out
Do better in my classes
Be more understanding
Be more confident
Stop procrastinating
Get a job
Travel more