Admitting

To being afraid.
Yes I'm afraid.
Frightened beyond belief.

And I'm okay with that well not entirely, its disturbing but comforting to know I can feel like this. It wasn't until yesterday that I embraced this feeling rather than repulse it. I felt happiness that was simply unexplainable. I just woke up with a smile, as if the weight on my chest wasn't there. I could breathe, and think with ease. Still afraid but happy. Afraid but smiling. Happy for just being happy. I haven't felt this warmth radiating from my face or chest in such a long time. Sure I smile and laugh all in good humor but not to the fullest extent. And yesterday was the first time in a long time that I felt it was okay to be happy for no reason.

No guilt or remorse of this. I'm finally letting myself be happy regardless of the chaos surrounding me. I usually place other's happiness before my own because I know I will have my turn my time and I feel everyone is to selfish to give up seconds of their happiness to help someone find their own. I have no problem putting aside my obligations for the wellfare of a beloved individual. I love purely and truely. Friends and certain family know this for a fact. My kindness is spread among all of you. I'm kind of known for that among loved one's. Some classify that trait as being weak and others say that makes me strong. I think it's a bit of both. That's why I call it my tragic flaw, that has been abused to often. But I learn with every obstacle that flaw has put my way.

I just can't or rather won't let myself love or maybe it's because I don't know how to love someone at that level that a relationship requires.

I've never seen a healthy relationship so how can you blame me for doubting the foundations or idea of one.

You see I've never stayed in love long enough to get shattered. I used to think I've never been in love but I realized I have but it didn't last long enough to grow. It just started spouting when me and him decided to pluck it. I've always been a hopeless romantic, but I'm cynical at the same time. Everyone that knows me can't quite put those things together, because out of all my friends I'm the one that should be the sucess of love. In their eyes I'm a descent of Aphrodite. I should be the one in the year(s) relationships. I'm the consulant that they turn to when they need help. But I'm a complete rookie. I don't know how to be in a relationship, but I offer apparently good perspective.


I think back to it and I see that I've been running from this well you for quite some time. Running from what can be real because I'm not sure I'm ready for it. I'm honest enough to admit I don't think I'm ready for love or the heartbreak. I've dealt with heartache. But love has never been my forte at least when it comes down to the "real thing". Catching my breathe, this running has done me no good except waste time.


But now I'm like FUCK IT! Life is way to short for this cynical state of mind. I'm going to miss out on love, and I refuse to. So I'm giving into my feelings more than usual. Still on guard or maybe it's my pride. I don't want to go into that yet. But I do know I just want to say I miss you, even though we just texted or talked on the phone. I just want to see you even if it's just for five minutes. I just want to be able to be in your arms at anytime knowing you won't let me go even if I ask you to. I don't care if I lose hours of sleep just talking to you. I wouldn't mind all of this because it would be with you.

This is all your doing,

provoking me

with each

and every

syallable

your lips

sound out.

Being afraid of being with you, but thrilled at the same time is what you have done. I want to strangle you sometimes with the things you say. But that's what I adore. Time seems so fleeting with us and hardly there at the same time. Never getting enough of you to really say your mine but I know you are. Because I feel myself slipping into your arms regardless of my equilibrium. And I can feel the sincerity of your words.

This fluttering behind my chest, this pull of heartstrings. You arouse this in me every single time we talk it grows. I gotta admit your growing on me despite my better judgment. And I know that your fond me, but I'm so confused on where we stand. And I guess this is where the fear stepped in, intermixed with confusion those two never split.

I got myself...

a JOURNAL!!

I've always wanted to keep one but I get lazy and forgetfull... not the best combination to keep something going. However I'm getting better at keeping journal like stuff. This website is a prime example of my capablity or maybe its addiction to it.

Blogspot has been an internet journal but I like to keep secrets for myself. What can I say a lady needs her secrets. Especially from the public eye.

Don't worry I'll still write on this, I just needed a more private place for feelings, emotions all that other crap (using crap loosely).

Thinking.

Wasting away like a Renaissance painting. My paint chips are falling; you can see my cards now. Not hurt but I feel this void, a hole. An unsatisfied hunger for something I’m not sure yet. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is. Friends claim it’s my consciousness urging for love.

HA! Love, isn’t that a wonderful feeling so I’ve HEARD.

Love never meets me half way. Not everyone can be like Elizabeth Bennet, the reality of love is that of Miss Havisham and Charollete Lucas. I blame all these talks about love because I’m vanishing into thinking of it. That disturbs me because I never really did, well I’m lying a tad. I have undergone those questions but not deeply or clearly. Now when I actually look back into it I’m saddened and disturbed. I can’t understand how I let myself feel this way.

The feeling of fatigue and confusion dominate and make me tired not only physically but mentally. As if this urge for something real to feel is demanding too much of my sanity. Sleep doesn’t provide any comfort or escape it rather drains me. It's exhausting to just think especially when there are so many questions and very few answers. Answers that raise more questions in the long run so you’re not moving forward but backwards. I want my mind to stop being a circus, juggling acts and putting shows for all, the training of animal instincts is too much,
I just want clarity.

Since my mind is too clouded to think. Blurred memories of yesterday I don’t know how to relieve this overheated mind! So what do I do? Neglect obligations of my mind in order to fit in this world or pay attention to everyone else’s while juggling my own because no one allows themselves to burden with these questions. Instead of confronting them, you pass them on like a torch, bring the light into parts of myself I just don’t want to go.

My Heart.

Do you know what it is to trust an individual without asking anything in return? Probably not, however I've been lucky to encounter such a feeling. To trust unconditionally is a feeling to unexplainable that sometimes I don't even understand the why? Strange enough it's from an unlikely former acquaintance. His name is censored for reasons that are irrelevant to this. He likes to be called Dizzy, so that shall be his alias.

Younger than me, I have found a person who's words I trust with no vindication. Too many times have words fallen short for me. However his words remain true and he does not truly know the extent of my appreciation of this. The first time my heart and brain agree that his not lying and that it’s okay to let him in. Since I do not believe words that escape voice boxes. Because people aren't reliable enough to tell the truth. Confusion arises from words spoken in falsehood or deceitful intentions. I don't have to worry about this from him. Maybe that's why our relationship is so easy going.

A former ex wanna be boyfriend. Yes we've exchanged salvia (meaning we've kissed). However things did not work out in that department because of me. But I found a better place for him in my life than that of another boyfriend who would leave. I named him my best friend November 2, 2008. I share with him everything I can think of in the moment. I'm not afraid to be with him, or let him in. The first I've said I love you to. I have given him my heart, because his worthy of it. Unknowingly he takes care of my heart, the guardian of my most prized possession. I trust him so much in giving him what other guys wished could know or feel. I love him dearly and only wish him the best. We've been through alot together that the bonds we created before are covered by these of true friendship. Although I may not see him as often as I'd like, I don't mind the distance because his with me always in heart and mind.

I will always remember you and love you fondly<3

My Theme Song

It's About Time by: Barcelona

Cat: Yeah this one is definitely your theme song.
XYZ: My theme song?
Cat : Lyrics ?
XYZ: Explain why you think it's my theme song?
XYZ: The lyrics are amazing :]
XYZ: The beat is what caught my attention the first time I
listened to it.
Cat :"They don't know me, they don't know more than I show"
XYZ: I knew you were going to say that part.
Cat : I like the vocals, &lyric delivery.
Cat : "Its about time, its about time to fly away, but wait. This one is different cause she's lonely, fold your wings you'll need them more one day."
Cat : That's kinda your theory on love.
Cat : &Thank you, I'm going to download that album.
Cat : =]
XYZ: And also the part "I'm not sure I can resurrect you."
Cat : True.

I always enjoy Cat's conversations and yes his the same Cat from the previous blogs :]
Lyrics below.

One more day down these stairs
His room is cold now and it hurts like hell
He holds tight, he stares
It’s almost over and it’s running through his head
They don’t know me, they don’t know more than I show

She’s walking up to him so slowly
It’s about time, it’s about time to fly away, but wait
This one is different cause she’s lonely
Fold your wings, you’ll need them more one day

One more smile, one more bed
Her eyes are dark now and they hurt like hell
She’s so still, she’s dead
She knows it’s over, she holds her head and says,
They can’t love me, they can’t love what I don’t show

He’s walking up to her so slowly
It’s about time, it’s about time to fly away, but wait
This one is different cause he’s lonely
Fold your wings, you’ll need them more

There’ve been to many times when I’ve drowned you with these perfect
lines
And you’ve heard me say that I can cure you
This morning I woke up with this overwhelming fear of love
And I’m not sure if I can resurrect you

I’m walking up to you so slowly
It’s about time, it’s about time to fly away, but wait
I swear it’s different cause I’m lonely
Fold your wings, you’ll need them more one day

Moment

When you turned to me--you in bed, still sleepwarm,
against

the pillows,
I across the room, skirt zipped, stockings on--
and you
asked, so quietly.




"Was that a
truthful answer?"




and outside our
narrow third-storey window
the Norway maple was poking odd thumbs into the
sky
and a skim milk early morning light leaked down the street,
down front
porch steps, around grimed collars of snowbanks.
and the oval Victorian
mirror of my dresser
reflected all that, with odd angles of rooflines,
gutters,
chimneys

jutting into its peripheral vision,


your question
cut
like a knife so sharpened it
slices clean and the surprised flesh
doesn't know for a moment
how to bleed,


and I
answered, after pause
in which the strangeness felt like a form of
love,


"No."

By: Rosanna Warren

I actually met the poet Warren. She was amiable however eccentric with her gestures and expressions. This poem intrigued me because of the awkard breaks and the setting she provided.

The opening lines set a scene that reminds me of lovers. "Was that a truthful answer?" When I read that line, my mind raced with how did the her other know she was lying. It made me judge her character and that of her other. Her character is willing to lie and her other is bold enough to confront her.

Which makes you then question what did her other ask her that made her lie. As well as what was her lie. To deflects to the scenery which in my opinion symbolizes the exposure that they will have of each other. To then explaining the feeling of the question. The numbness of the question that marked her mentally. To describing the awkardness to a feeling of love impling that they share an inmitation of love. To the finale of her response No. Surprising how a one word syllable can be so direct and cutting.

I would go more in depth however I like discussion better. Just thought I should share.

Mouth-watering.

I had a Godiva white chocolate covered strawberry yesterday. It was as if my mouth died and ran off to heaven. My taste buds were tingling beyond belief. I took a bite and I had to stop moving, I needed to hold myself up. It was that amazing. I can't stress it enough that it was just that good. I fell in love once my lips touched the soft white chocolate and I bite into the ripe sweet fruit. Better than sex! It was an orgasm.