Self Control.

Self control is a virtue I possess too much of so I've been told... And I can see where those individuals come from with that remark, because they’re not actually praising me for it, their criticizing me. It honestly doesn't come to me as a surprise why those individuals made that statement that holds a tone of subtle indifference. However, I justify their thinking because they lack the words and understanding of me to know why their right to a certain extent. You see it's the fact I don't give in to the desires of others and of my own so willingly that it's automatically seen as I have self control or I'm holding back.

So then the question arises when does self control turn into holding back? According to others, I seem to blur the lines in which this happens. However if anyone were to actually hold a worthy conversation with me you would think otherwise. You would think I'm to outgoing that I don't censor my thoughts. People doubt my ability to hold back or have restraints but nonetheless I do. I find it rather insulting that at that's the impression people have of me. But then again I don't, because apparently I'm braver in my words and thoughts than those who encounter me think so. Then when you get to know me, you see how much I deny myself for the good of others. Those who are closer than normal know how much self sacrifice I endure. So I try to have a balanced view on where does this logic comes from that makes people define me as someone to impulsive or to limited. I am defined at the extremes of these opposites. At those extremes I thought to myself where do I stand, and I realize I stand on not having to explain my restrictions or outbursts. I admit to all the charges against me. I can tell you my history with no expectations of secrecy or understanding. I can hold back from accepting help when needed.

Contradicting are these moments. And usually when this happens my reactions are always questioned, it’s always either my actions are right or wrong. And most of the time they’re the "right choice" but then again for you. And when I do the "wrong thing" it impacts the future people I will encounter. It's a cycle in which I never win, or so it seems. I don't mind being questioned if you have the right questions, and you know what you want to know, without fear or worry of my response. I only answer when I know you’re ready to hear me. I tend not to lie about things, so my brutal honesty can be overbearing sometimes...

Like has it ever crossed your mind, that we're more inclined to do the wrong thing because its easier. If you lie to your mother about doing this or that with a boy, is it wrong to spare her from details that will corrupt your image in her heart and mind. Is it your place to hurt your mother with your actions, when you can simply wait till she is ready to hear it? Too many people claim to want the truth but once they've obtained it, they preferred to be ignorant. So what do you do when people want to remain ignorant and happy? Do you make them aware and miserable against their will? I personally just go with my gut and say what needs to be said at the right time. Timing is everything...

So basically time determines my self control or the lack of it…

Curing Humans.

Second prize winner has been my part
Always second in the games of humans
Never the first to truly touch one’s life
I could only touch your life after you’ve undergone harm
This is when I step into the picture
I am not the one to provoke the harm, I’m the healer
The mender of humans
I’ve become a hospital
Taking in patients to nurse them back
My arms have become the blankets to warm you from the coldness of the world=
My kisses soothe your thoughts
My thighs show you that not all flesh incites pain
My hands show you that it’s okay to let go and hold on
My eyes show you to see life not as it seems
My feet show you that a balance is what is needed for you to stay on the ground
My mind shows you that knowledge elevates you
And my heart shows you what it is to love without asking for anything in return
See I've become a healer of my generation
To those who fall victim to the games of others
They find refugee in me
And I take pleasure in helping them
Cause I've learned never to become attached
And as much as I may care for you as a patient
My heart does not feel for you in another way
It feels for you as a victim and nothing more
There has been on few occasion
Where the patient’s case really got to me
There has always been attraction
But I try to keep it professional
But they were all different from each other
Different needs
Different wounds
Different wants
Different ways of healing

And since I'm passive in my emotions

I'm flexible to their needs not my own

And this fact borthers me a bit

Not because I should feel for them, but because I don't know how

So to distract these disturbing questions

I took on new patients

Fixed them right up

And the cycle never stops

Your pain doesn't stop

And my questions remain unanswered.

- Palaguachi

Will probably add on.

I'm a gambler at heart.

I found something so unlike anything before in,
An individual that is so distinct from anyone I have ever met,
His done something that many haven't done before,
He hasn't hurt me and its that and the promise of something real
that just draws me towards him,
yet he does this without any awareness
of his effect on me,that with his words and his touch
he slowly heals this broken-down heart

EXTENDED

and he doesn't truly know how this torn girl
cares for him, with every passing moment
that she feels so caught up that she's tempted to stay
and that she desires to be able to give into this person beyond reason
because its been a while
and his voice triggered something she thought she couldn't feel again
and I know am crossing dangerous territory with you,
but I don't mind, you were always a risk
and now am taking a chance a gamble
but it is so hard since I resist and am afraid to give in
and be filled with sensations i haven't experienced before,
you are the first I deny my body and soul to,
when all I want to do is surrender
into your feelings and get lost within you,
because from our first glances,
I was transfixed
you are my foolish love,
my absolute lust,
my new fond love
I found in you

- Palaguachi

I wrote this a while back for an almost love, but I dedicate this to just any love out there.

She is?

"Black hair that contains translucent streaks of red
Lips as ripe as your sweetest fruit
Eyes as dark as fire or wood
Sun kissed skin with a tone of innocence
Considered attractive to many but that's all up to interpretation
A voice husky with youth & experience
A mind beyond her age & comprehension
A heart of gold
That no man has tamed or known
Many have tasted her friendship
The purest bond other than the physical that connects her to others
She loves beyond reason certain individuals and
She is their foundation in which they lay upon
Her ideas, her voice&& finally the love that pushes her & others through is the beauty found in life
Art in all its forms, literature of all sorts, just the essence of higher learning
Foods & wines of luxury
Men and their talents
She indulges in the pleasures of life
An appetite for humane objects unsatisfied
So who is this?
What would you classify her as?
The woman whose image has been raped by society expectations?
A woman with a desire of learning with a streak of immoral sin
Or
A friend with endless hope for the good in everyone
What if she embodies all of the above
So the question narrows down to is she good or bad?

- Palaguachi

Might add on. Who knows.

Numb.

I can not let
I will not let
You make me feel
It is against the rules
I'm seperating myself from emotions
So I can breathe easier without those sentiments burdening my chest
And as the cliche goes it becomes easier as the days go by
I am no longer affected by you as yesterday
I don't experience the luxuries of happiness or anguish today
Co-existing off the intoxicated air of today's atmosphere
I simply linger in existence
Completely ignorant of those everyday emotions
Numb to affection
Fearing where this cynicalism will lead
And even though my cool exterior is quite decieving
I'm undergoing an internal change
My organs are rearranging themselves
I'm disposing of unnecessary things heart
Seems my body has gone into shock
Cause I'm not aware of anything but time
And I'm running out of it with every moment I waste with you
And I'm hanging onto passion
Which is leveling my temperature
Cause I'm not sure if I'm cold or warm blooded anymore
A creature stepping into new found no man lands
A dangerous mental territory
A place unknown to me, cause I still haven't explored the outer corners of my mind
I stand in a place where you can not reach me
Located somewhere in between my lost morals and my fears that cling to the walls
Waiting to attack anything that they can infect with a mental poison
I've been here to many times before
That it's the same old wounds
My body has acquired the anti-bodies
So I'm okay for this, cause I've become immune
And ever since then I've been numbed down and I don't know why
Seems that trip has disrupted my capability to feel
Cause I'm not sensible to what I should be
Not sure how to react to what's been done
Totally ignorant to your feelings
Cause I've lost all my emotions
So I don't know how to deal with your's since I can't find my own
Guess this occurs when someone questions and makes one reflect of past experiences of yourself and others
Taking a current course on the History of Lost Ones
Where my teacher is Life and I am a pupil
Reading the chapters of my life that I long to forget and remember
Underlining the lines in which you enter and consume my pages
To finally understand the lesson of my life
That no one realizes their true pain in the moment of its occurrence
That we really don't acknowledge what we endure
Only after we reflect on it
And it is time that grants this
And it's your time now,
I've been given a gift but its a curse to you
Cause you wish I could feel
At this moment my state of numbness is what saves me from the past pain inflictions.

To be continued...

Clashing Emotions.

"Emotions seem to flow through my veins like my very blood

But today my blood has been boiling under the warmth or is it the wrath of the sun?

I can not really say but I accept it it either wayJust like I accept the winter breeze which makes one cold

Yet today it isn't winter that has cooled down my heated spirit but rather a chilled sea breeze

That brought me epifanies

Of new days to come

That made me realize the reality of certain things

Even though my eyes stray from it

I knew the outcome of us, and dreadful to admit

I was living in an illusion

What we were & are to each other were just figments of our imagination

Expectations implanted in each others idea of perfection

We deceived ourselves in believing we were what we needed for each other

But we both knew deep down that we were to different to co-exist

Your a selfish lover with a streak of jealousy & insecurity

While I'm the free-spirit that hasn't been tamed and knows no boundaries

Combined together we clashed

Even though I tried to keep it together

My efforts weren't enough for your ego,

Your troubled soul, that I couldn't calm

You didn't allow me

And I never let you in to know who I was

A natural actress I played my part

But never the role you wanted me to play

So now we stand no longer by each others side, we're

Going down two different paths of desires

Trying to find what we were trying to look for in each other

Perhaps it was there at one point

That spark or potential for that ideal love

But to late now, we brought the "bad" out from each other

And now I've accept the loss of you'cause you never cared enough

To prevent such an action

And I already knew the consequence of being with you

And still risked it cause I thought you were worth it handsome

To bad you couldn't see

The potential we had, so now

We linger around as strangers as we always were to each other

One day the odds will be different

And when that happens perhaps one day

Our clashing can be harmonious as the waves crashing onto the shore

A beautiful act of nature."

- Palaguachi